Languages in the Big Apple

A group of “campaigners for the English language” have found a new
cause for protest: public information posters they claim are
offensively “obvious,” such as a recent police sign that reads: “Don’t
Commit Crime.”

The Plain English Campaign, which “fights for the effective use of
English” also had problems with signs such as “Warning: Platform ends
here” on rail station platforms, and “May cause drowsiness” on
sleeping pills.

“It’s a phenomenon we noticed in recent years — a kind of talking
in a vacuum. There are so many examples,” said a spokesman, citing
notably packets of nuts labelled ‘Warning: contains nuts.’”

“The ‘best’ one I have come across was a sign reading ‘Caution: water
on road during rain.’

“They assume a lack of intelligence on the part of the reader. ‘Do
not commit crime. Pay for your fuel’ is hardly a deterrent to a
criminal who has every intention of driving off without paying.”

But if these self-evident slogans seem to cater to the stupid, that’s
because they do. That annoying label on McDonald’s coffee that reads
‘Warning: Hot’ appeared after a lawsuit filed by a woman who spilled
her cup of drive-through coffee on her lap and wanted reparations,
apparently unaware that the hot coffee she ordered would be so….
hot.

To end, here are some of the best signs that Plain English folks are
lamenting :

– “May irritate eyes” — on a can of self-defence pepper spray;

– “Do not open door while airborne except in emergency” — on
emergency exit doors in planes;

– “Removing the wheel can influence the performance of the bicycle”
– from a Dutch bicycle manual;

– “Do not iron clothes on body” — from packaging on a steam iron.

Here are a few excerpts from an article from National Review creepo Deroy Murdock on the demise of American English:

As students return to America’s classrooms this month, they will focus anew on the nuances of the English language. Beyond their teachers’ lessons, it unfortunately has become increasingly difficult for them to learn from prominent Americans. Hearing her husband describe her as “the best-qualified non-incumbent I have ever had a chance to vote for in my entire life,” Mrs. William Jefferson Clinton told Iowa voters in July: “If I was as smart as Bill seems to think I am, I would say nothing.”

Wrong!

As the frontrunner for the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination should recognize, she should have said, “If I were as smart…” Senator Clinton (D., N.Y.) merely echoed the Democrats’ last standard-bearer.

“If I was president, this wouldn’t have happened,” John Kerry said during Hezbollah’s summer 2006 war on Israel.

“The subjunctive,” he goes on to say, “lies gravely wounded. Fewer and fewer Americans bother to discuss hypothetical or counterfactual circumstances using this verb mood.” (Hey, Murdoch! Check out this website! It’s made by an uber-liberal who works for PETA, but I think you’d dig it!

Not surprisingly, Murdock stays the hell away from Dubya’s grammar impediment, but he does include some entertaining examples of faulty usage, including the gasp! “There’s + [plural noun].” Check it out at National Review.